8 SHADES OF NIFTY

Direction

2011-04-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have never felt more lost in my whole life. I don't know who I am, what I want or where I am going. What do I do? Move somewhere new? Do I just need a change of scenery? Would going back to school help? Am I just feeling this way because I am back in El Cajon and surrounded by a past I try to move on from but keeps bringing me down? I know living with my mother isn't helping and I need to get out of here asap. I am thinking of moving back to orange county. It wasn't perfect but I felt like I was moving forward there. Financially it wasnt great but emotionally I felt more progressed. Living here I am surrounded by so many memories that I cherish and hate all at the same time. I just need something.....

Parents

2011-04-06T01:50:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in my room watching Brothers and Sisters which always makes me reflect on my own family. Sometimes I wish I had different parents. Even though I know my Dad loved me and did everything in his power to provide for his family and worked so hard to make sure I never went without I am still resentful that he was gone so much. I hate that I didn't take advantage of the fleeting moments he was home. I am also pissed that he left me with the monster. My mother is the farthest thing from a mother. She is a needy, self centered, lying, cheating, drug addicted, hot mess. I see my friend's moms and I am green with envy. I recently went to a friend's parent's house and I was warmly invited. His mom made me a tuna sandwich and cut up fresh strawberries and put them in a tiny little bowl on the side. She oozed maternal instincts from every pore of her skin. I felt loved, I felt a maternal love that I rarely get to experience and in that moment I was actually jealous of my friend that he gets this love every day of his life. I then felt like a horrible person for being jealous of something so amazing. I wish I had this complex family dynamic. I wish I had a horde of brother and sisters I could argue with and be there for. I wish there was a maternal home we could all meet at for family dinners. I wish...

NEWS!!!

2010-06-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

1) I chopped off my hair!

2) My best friend in the whole world is going to have a baby!!

3) I am so tired of looking for places to live in SD I kind of just want to live in my car.

Honesty

2010-06-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

So I think it time I start to look at my life with complete honesty. I am too good at fooling myself or ignoring problems. I am 25, I have no college degree, I am overweight, losing my hair, my father was murdered, my mother is crazy, and I don't know what makes me happy. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I am an adult in the sense that my age fits that term, but inside I still feel 18. Unsure of what direction to take. Afraid of going down the wrong path. I am so afraid of going down the wrong path I have set up camp at the fork in the road. I am going to start using this blog to figure out who I am, what I want and where I want to go in my life. I am not a weak person. I know this. I am stronger than I ever give myself credit for. I can do anything I put my mind to.

Most AMAZING thing EVER!!!

2010-05-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

Movie Review!!!!

2010-05-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

SO I have been wanting to do a new blog for a long time and I jut haven't had anything really to say. My life has been dullsville lately with no job and no school. So I thought I would give my go at a movie review! We all know i always have an opinion..... about everything!

I recently saw the movie Taking Woodstock. The latest work from Oscar winning Ang Lee. It stars Demetri Martin, who in latest years I have really come to dislike. Once his show started on Comedy Central, my respect for his comedy really fell. This movie really made me like him again! His acting was real, genuine, and the comedy was something everybody could relate to. My favorite part of this film was Imelda Staunton. Her portrayal of Sonia Teichberg was AMAZING!!!! I loved her, I laughed, I hated her at one point, but then loved her again! Now the only thing was strange about this film was the awkward gay tension between Demetri Martin's character and every other male in the film. Every time he talked to a man there was this crazy awkwardness! You kept wondering if they were gonna make out, and then finally *spolier alert* he made out with a dude in front of his dad! AWKWARD!!! All in all, I would watch this again!

I don't know why the font changed out of nowhere......

ADD FTL!!

2010-02-17T17:25:00.001-08:00

So I want to apologize for the lack of new blog post that have any substance. I have just been getting massive ADD every time I sit down to write a post. I promise good things are coming soon. *that's what she said!*

Roller Derby!

2010-02-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

If you can't play nice, play roller derby!

Hooray finding alcohol I actually like!!

2010-01-23T03:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I found I like Southern Comfort! It is truly amazing! I feel like such a rock star you have no idea!!

Job hunting is SO MUCH FUN!!! o_0

2010-01-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I have been on the job hunt every day for too many days to count! I have applied for every job opportunity I have come across, gone to shady ass interviews and even considered doing porn. I have come to realize that searching for a job takes a lot of juevos! Everyday I am told I am not qualified for the position I am applying for or I require more experience or I am just not suited for the company or these sombreros aren't big enough, bad little white girl!

I really need to find a job soon or I don't know what I am going to do. I am however trying to stay positive and know I will find a job and know that everything happens for a reason :)

Things to do when you can't sleep

2010-01-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

1) Watch Muriel's Wedding on YouTube

2) Make amazing iced coffee with Ethiopia Yergacheffe

3) Play Word Challenge, and fail miserably!

4) Upload embarrassing pictures of your roommate to twitter

5) Greet roommates as they wake up

6) Apply for jobs online

7) Watch cat go crazy listening to the sound of birds outside

8) Think of ways to surprise a friend

Holly Golightly

2010-01-21T04:04:00.000-08:00

So it's another one of those nights where I am up until 4am thinking about the most random things. Exhibit A would be the picture of Mickey Rooney as Mr. Yunioshi from Breafast at Tiffany's. I never really realized just how much I connect with Audrey Hepburn's character until this morning.

I still do not have a job. This is something that makes me feel like a complete loser. I am a fully capable human being. I am not stupid. I know I am trainable and have the ability to do almost anything I am presented with. I am 24 and I cannot find a job, still do not have a degree and barely make it each month. I guess I should look at the positive. I still have a lot more than some people and should be grateful for that.

I really want to start writing here more. If there are any topics you guys want to me write about let me know. I can always use a little direction. Until then I shall have to say goodbye and goodnight.

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars

2010-01-14T15:31:00.001-08:00

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Lost at 1:40 in the morning, warning emo!

2009-10-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am 24 and feel like I am making all the wrong decisions in my life. I feel lost, confused, and nowhere near a clear path. I feel like I a grasping for straws. I haven't talked to my family in so long and not for any good reason. I feel like I don't deserve to be part of a family until I have my life together, even though I know they are there for me. I feel like I don't deserve them. It has been so long since I have called my grandma I feel like if i did call her it would be awkward. I miss San Diego, but I know if I move I will miss all the friends I have made up here. I am 24, it is time to figure this shit out and stop waiting like something or someone is going to make these decisions for me. Wow, emo facebook note at 1:40am ftw

Well hello long lost blog

2009-07-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

1) Just finished Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk, was pretty awesome!

2) Had one of the most amazing weeks of my life with the sweetest guy ever!

3) Have a weird hat tan line on my forehead.

4) Quit the bucks, or let go, depends who you ask.

5) School starts at the end of august! Can't wait!!

6)I miss San Diego more and more every day.

7) I miss someone else, more and more everyday.

8) Without school and a job my days are boring as all hell.

9) I need to settle on a major!

10) I could use a good cuddle right now.

30 minutes until V-day

2009-02-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am single, still. I didn't think I would still be single almost a year later. In this year I realized one thing, I hate being single. I hate being alone. I hate that when I am down and need someone to hold me in their arms, I have no one. When I come home from work, there is no one to lay in bed with and talk about our days. When I get an A on a test, there is no one to give me a hug. I still can't just make food for one person, I always make way too much. I guess I really do need that validation of another person. Someone else wanting to be with me, choosing me over someone else. Deciding to spend their time with me because they love me. Mainly I miss the way that person looks at you, I would kill for someone to look at me like that again. I feel invisible, discarded, unwanted left overs for the dog to sniff at. I just feel like I have all this love to give, all this affection to show, and no one wants it. Well this didnt help.

It's a New Year

2008-12-31T18:28:00.000-08:00

As a new year is about to begin, I think of all the things that I hope to make better.

1) I'm going to delete all my online profiles. I have met some really great guys, but for the most part it is just a huge waste of time. Also, I want to meet someone in real life.

2) I am going to take better care of myself, which includes the following.

A) Create a work out routine and stick to it.

B) Eat! At least three meals a day, no going all day without eating anymore.

C) Floss!

D) Call my doctors, find out what is wrong with me.

3) Have more respect for myself. No hook ups, no friends with benefits, no casual sex. I am so over it! I want the next man I kiss to be someone special, someone important, someone who deserves it!

4) Quit Starbucks!! Find a job I enjoy, where I'm treated with respect and I actually make enough money to support myself.

5) Focus on school. My education is the key to my future success and the life I wish to lead. I need to make it a priority. I am not stupid, I am worth more than a McJob!

6) I need to tackle all my demons. I can't let them rule my life anymore. I need to come to terms with my past and just be able to move on from all of it and be happy. My Dad was murdered, I was raped, my Mom has gone crazy and the one person I have ever loved left me. All these things happened, and I can't change that. What I can change is how I let these events effect my life and my future. I refuse to cry myself to sleep even one more night. I am a strong person!

Tomorrow is a new day, a new year, and a new beginning, and I am ready to start living.

Emo blog post

2008-12-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

I just don't get it. I can't even say hi without feeling like I am a huge burden. I just wish for once I didn't have to work so hard to be a part of his life still. I wish he would call me and want to hang out. Though maybe I should just take a hint. Maybe this is his way of telling me he doesn't want me in his life. I mean, why would he want me in his life, what need do I serve. I have been completely replaced. It just hurts that after all we have been through, the ups and the downs, he doesn't even want to be friends.....

Hmmm

2008-11-22T20:23:00.000-08:00

So I find myself falling into old self destructive habits I thought I had left behind. Things I know that are bad but give me a brief moment of escape from the pain I carry. I wish I knew how to handle all the things on my plate, but I feel at my age I shouldn't have to deal with a lot of these things. I am not mature enough or have the wisdom to handle it all. Somedays I just want to get in my car an drive, and just keep driving until my car breaks down, and then start walking, and not stop until my legs are sore and broken. I've never been so torn in my emotions, I feel bi-polar. I am so angry, so unbelievably angry, but at the same time I just want any attention I can get. I feel like all the promises made are not being kept. We rarely see each other, I know nothing about what's going on in his life. I feel like I have been completely replaced, my role unnecessary. I feel so weak, so weak, but my pain is so strong. I just want somebody to hold me, someone to hold me in their arms and really mean it.

I dont understand

2008-11-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

Why does this still hurts? Why do I still cry? Is it because this other person gets to do everything I ever wanted to do with him. He gets to have the relationship I always dreamed of having with him. He has met his parents, gone to Europe with him, it's not fair. What was so wrong with me that I was hidden? Why was I kept a secret? Did he not love me as much? Was he ashamed of me? embarrassed by me? I hate that when I lay alone on my bed at night I think of the two of them together, cuddling, and it hurts. Why does he get to be happy? I guess it hurts because when I was with him, my life had meaning, it had purpose. I could create a future with him, I did create a future with him. There was a plan! I moved for him! I changed my major for him! I did everything for him! And where is now, not here! I know this is just some angry rant, I know he does care and is just doing what he feels is right for him and living his life. I know he is always there for me for whatever I need, I know he loved me with all his heart. It hurts because I saw it all happen right in front of me and I did nothing, if only I had said don't hang out with him, where would I be now?

Been pondering...

2008-10-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

... and the more i ponder the more I realize. I have all these issues weighing me down. It's like a 50 ton boulder I carry around with me everyday. Some issues are easy to confront, but the majority I am scared shitless of even going near. I realize life is too short, and to let my life be hindered in any way by these cancers is ridiculous. Too cry myself to sleep even one more night is unacceptable. To be anything less than happy and filled with joy and promise and a hunger to conquer life is pathetic. I will face my demons one by one and come out stronger, happier, and 50 tons lighter.

Oh HAi Blog! I remember you!

2008-09-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile. A lot has happened, but that is not the purpose of this blog entry. I find myself regretting certain choices and realizing I only made this choices when I was trying to be something else than I am for someone I care about. The farther away from art I stray the more I feel like part of me is missing. I sit in my marketing classes and find myself sketching on the side of my notes while my teacher drones on about crap I could care less about. I need to think about this more, a lot more, but I think a major change is on it's way

I hate it

2008-08-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

When I am so exhausted, can't do a single thing, but can't sleep :(

Tomorrow is my day off

2008-08-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Going to spend my nordstroms gift card from grandma, and then get shit done. I really want to do some art tomorrow. I feel like I have been neglecting it. For sure going swimming!

On a different note. Work today sucked hairy monkey balls!!!! I'm giving my manager one last try and if he fails again, Im out! I have had it! I am worth so much more than this! I know that sounds conceded, but it's how I feel.

Random Rant for Trevor

2008-08-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

Bottled water is only good in glass bottles.

Wal mart sucks because it is killing america and it smells.

Global warming is a popular theory about what is going on in the world. I could be swayed either way on the subject.

Art is amazing. Nuf said.

There are not enough cheese cracker snacks on the market. Im all for more!

Astronaut food is ok, if you only eat the ice cream.

Facebook is far superior than Myspace, but myspace is still more popular :(

My worst birthday party is also my best birthday party. 22 at Hooleys irish pub, drunk off my ass because I got dumped. Although surrounded by friends who care :)

Sunsets and Sunrises look cool because the sun is awesome and deserves our respect!!

The end :)

My life is going somewhere....I think?

2008-08-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

So today was my first day off in awhile. I spent it running around doing lame domestic task that just needed to be done. Did a mountain of laundry, cleaned the bathroom and what not. Also signed up for fall semester. My course load looks to be the dullest one yet, but all classes I need. Im looking for at least one interesting course to round things out. I lowered my health insurance to something way more reasonable. I dealt with my crazy mother and her antics...again.

Whats going on with me?

2008-08-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've been in this massive funk for weeks. I'll just start to cry for no reason. I wish I knew what the reason was. I want to just be happy but for some reason it's proving harder than the brochure led me to believe.

fix you

2008-08-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

When I feel all alone in the dark. When I lay in bed, restless, unable to sleep. When I wanna cry because I miss that feeling. When everything seems like the same shade of gray. When I'm doubting life and what it may or may not bring. I think of that day. I think of the day he walked around that corner and changed my whole life. When he showed me how to live and be better, for no one else but myself. When he saved me. When he tried to fix me.

Massive blog Coming!!!!!

2008-08-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Hold on to your shorts!!!

Forget regrets

2008-07-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

I know it sounds cliche, but no day but today. No time to have regrets. It is what it is. I can only think about today and maybe try and plan tomorrow. It's easier said than done of course, but it's worth a try.

Just saw The Dark Knight

2008-07-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

It was good. Although I'll admit it made me feel uncomfortable, but it was really well done. Not much else to report.

Been thinking a lot about my past

2008-07-22T00:44:00.001-07:00

I'm like a child with a really good memory. I remember everything I have lost. I don't forget and move onto something new. Even if I find something new I never forget what came before. I miss the little things. I miss being held so much. I miss just being touched in the slightest ways that you don't realize are significant until they're gone. I miss just grabbing Dim Sum at a moments notice, or waking up early to make someone breakfast. I miss going on drives with the top down blasting music along the coast and feeling like this is all too perfect to be real. I miss putting my hand on someone's thigh as they take a turn too fast. I miss being looked at like I'm wanted. I miss my life. I miss my Dad. I miss the life I was suppose to have. I miss the woman my Mom use to be. I miss waking up next to someone I love every morning. I miss being an us instead of an I. I miss his hugs. I miss his disgusting toothpaste. I regret never telling him I loved him. I regret not being more affectionate because I was so afraid of rejection and so afraid of letting go of control. I regret never telling him I was gay. I regret not getting to know him better. I regret putting the weight of my past onto him, even though I know he didn't mind helping me carry all my baggage and helping me go through it. I'm thankful he was in my life, because I would probably be dead right now if he hadn't helped me through so much. I'm thankful for the lessons he did teach me. Like don't be afraid to ask, the worst thing anyone can say is no. I wish I had more courage. I wish I had more strength. I wish someone could just hold me right now, because I need it so bad. I wish I had the balls to call him, but its 1am and he is probably with him and I don't want to disturb them. I hate that it's awkward now. I hate that my Mom is gone. This blog isn't about just one person, it's about 4 people. People I've lost. People I've loved. People who I have regrets about.

Why?

2008-07-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

Why does it still hurt? Why do I still cry? Why can't I let go? Why do I have to cling so hard to everything?

This weekend isnt so great...

2008-07-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'm just in a funk and I cant get out of it. I just wanna curl up in bed and be alone, but I also want attention. I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle dipped in contradiction.....

Bad Day :(

2008-07-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Don't know why but I have just really been down today. No reason, nothing happened. Tomorrow is my day so off thank god. I'm just gonna relax and work out. Hope you all are having a great Saturday night.

iPhone :(

2008-07-18T13:35:00.001-07:00

Either the new update just sucks ass or my phone is on deaths door, either way, massive sadness!

Before bed

2008-07-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

This excited me! Im such a dork!!

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/watchmen/trailer

Home from work :)

2008-07-18T00:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm home from work. I should go to bed, but I'm wide awake. Everyone else is asleep. Im sitting here in my living room wasting time by visiting random sites. I think I'm gonna take down all my ads. I'm not meeting the right kind of people and I need to stop looking. The guy of my dreams is out there somewhere. I'm just really impatient. I want it now! :)

Watching: Margaret Cho

Wants: chipotle and a sprinkles cupcake

Mood: nostalgic

Needs: A massage and to call my grandparents

Mind Fuck!!

2008-07-17T01:17:00.000-07:00

My mind has just been blown!!! It's a long story, and I shouldn't post it here. Needless to say it changes my perspective on internet dating and really makes me wonder how people trust others so freely and openly without every meeting. I think I'm finally going to bed. Going to Disneyland tomorrow. Sometimes it's the best therapy :)

What can I say?

2008-07-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

Life goes forward as usual. Work was interesting today with all the new promotions, lots of confused customers."what's Sourbeaddow?"" You mean Sorbetto?" It was kind of crazy! On a different topic. I'm becoming to realize just how needy I am today. I never thought I was someone who required a lot of attention, but it turns out I do. Several times today I felt like I was being ignored by several different people, and I hated it. Also, I'm a very awkward person. I wish I could change that, but I think I'm just stuck being awkward :) Well Goodnight everyone!

Listening to: The Ramones

Wants: Attention

Mood: Sleepy

Not much to report

2008-07-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Have to go into work soon. New closing time of 11pm is making me a sad panda. Have spent all morning looking for a new job. Why is it so hard to find a decent job?

Rocky Horror Picture Show Night!

2008-07-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

Was a great success!!!! Note to self, too much cheese makes Adam a sad panda! Also starting a Canada fund. If you would like to contribute that would be awesome!!! The sooner I get to Canada the better :)

iPhone 2.0

2008-07-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I updated my phone yesterday. It was such a huge ordeal! Took over three hours!! In the end I'm glad I did though. I haven't any buggy problem yet and I'm liking all the cool new apps I have on my phone. Mainly the light saber one. Im such a dork! No big plans for the day, just relax before I have to go back to work tomorrow. So I feel I should make a correction to a previous post. I thought only two people read my blog, turns out there are quite a bit more people who this thing, cool :)

Thought

2008-07-11T20:41:00.001-07:00

What if this is as good as it gets? What if everything I could ever need or want is at my fingertips?

Listening to: Attack in Black

Mood: still sick

Wants: Mash potatoes

My Niece!

2008-07-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

She is like three months old here. So cute!!! She has a really cool attitude too!
I got to be there the day she was born. It was pretty cool.
She is like 4 hours old here. When I walked into the room I thought she was fake because she looked too real.

oh! Here's what our couch looks like!

2008-07-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

Only its in chocolate brown :) I'd take a picture of it right now, but its in use.

Couch Adventure!!

2008-07-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

First stop in our adventure was San Marcos to meet up with Emilio's Mom BLANCAA!!(inside joke) We had a killer brunch while I tried to look baller in the backyard :)
Off to Jerome's to pick up the couch! We try to look gangsta where ever we go.
DJ drove, while we followed Blanca on the long trek back to the Newport Castle :)

My life thus far

2008-07-11T13:00:00.001-07:00

So I was going to plan this all out and figure out everything I was going to write, but I'm taking "someones" advice and just start writing. It's been two months since my last blog and a lot has changed since then, like for one, my zip code. I live in Newport Beach now with some friends in an amazing townhouse. I share the master bedroom with my friend Elyse and so far everything is going great. The only thing that sucks about this complex is almost all the street parking is under this trees that have these berries that fall onto your car and stick to your car, its so gross! Bertha needs a bath in the worse way!

Last semester at school went great. I got an A in my marketing class, which rocked my socks because I loved that class so much! I'm really glad with my new major. I get to be creative and think outside the box but also have a practical career that allows me the opportunity to make a lot of money :) Which as vain and shallow as it sounds, means a lot to my future happiness.

I guess this the part where I talk about my personal life. Been dating some, met some cool guys, met some weirdos, met some guys who disappointed me, met some guys who crushed me. All in all, it was good to get myself out there. It turns out all the good guys are in Canada :)

Got in a car accident awhile back ago. I'm ok, but Bertha has a boo boo. My insurance is being a bitch about it. I called them again and they are literally mentally retarded. I'm gonna call again monday.

I got a really nasty sunburn on saturday!! I was as red as a lobster!! Its finally almost healed. Just itches a lot now. I also have a cold right now :( I hate being sick!!! My throat feels like sand paper, its gross :(

Work is going ok, same old same old. I'm looking for a better job though. One that challenges me, one that pays me what I'm worth. I'm just getting tired of the same thing everyday, the high school drama at my store, and the incompetent management I serve under. I want a job in the field I hope to someday make my profession so I can get as much experience as possible. I'm still working on getting an internship at a record company, at least I have an in at one in Huntington Beach :)

I think that's about it. My life hasn't been too exciting lately. More to come soon :) Since I now know at least two people read this :)

Massive Blog Coming!!!!!

2008-07-09T02:59:00.000-07:00

I realize I have been neglecting my blog. Big Huge Massive blog is coming soon.

listening to:Adele

wants: sleep

mood: insomnia

reading: Survivor by Chuck Palanuik

I can't believe I forgot!

2008-05-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

My real family!!! My friends!!!!!! I'm so lucky to have the friends I have!!! They are way better than my biological family, mainly because I chose my friends!! You all rock! Thank you so much for being there!

Family..

2008-05-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

Why am I so afraid to lose her? In so many ways she is already gone. Maybe I just am afraid to lose another parent, I don't know... I hate this, Im crying and there are so many people I could call, but I don't wanna burden them, this is my problem not theirs. Maybe I just need a hug. I wish I had a hallmark family, I wish my Dad was still here, he was the glue...

Listening to- Joseph Arthur

Wants- sprinkles

Mood- lonely

My family is falling apart..

2008-05-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is mother's day and my brother is going to cut my mom out of his life. He can't take her lies and bullshit anymore and I don't blame him. We have given her every chance, helped her in every way, but she wont change. She is still lying, still spending money, got another credit card, and still puts her church before her children. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs. Im just thankful I still have my brother and my grandparents.

Had a weird dream

2008-05-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning my macbook, but it was giant, like the size of clifford the big red dog! It was intense, I really do need to clean it!

Cant sleep

2008-05-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Have a lot of energy, but trying to fall asleep because i have work at 4am. Oh well, best be productive I guess ;)

Health insurance

2008-05-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

Is the most boring shit ever!!! Need a new coverage plan and reading fine print is just the most exciting thing ever!

What is disney thinking?

2008-05-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

Just saw the trailer for beverly hills chihuahua and im still shocked that this isnt a joke....

Cinco De Mayo

2008-05-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

I sit here in my quiet apartment, my roommates still asleep and a million thoughts race through my head as always. I look at old pictures of us, and I cry. Not because the memories are bad, the complete opposite, they are so good, and I miss them. I text him goodnight because for a brief second I feel like I'm not going to bed alone and that maybe just maybe he will be lying beside me when I wake up. I miss the tiniest things. I miss putting my hand on his thigh while we drive around in his car, I miss that so much. I miss being touched. When the person you love touches you, holds you, you feel special, you feel wanted. I miss feeling wanted. There are thousands of other guys out there that I could spend the rest of my life with and probably be happy. My grandma told me that her mother would always say a trolley car comes by every fifteen minutes, all you have to do is wait for it. I want to be happy, I want him to be happy, I just dont know what to do anymore, I dont know what else I can do, and he has already done more than enough, more than anyone else would in this situation. I don't know why I write this blog, nobody reads it....

today was a hard day

2008-05-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Its when you're sick you really feel alone, especially when you are alone. I was walking through the grocery store looking for soup, then all of a sudden i remembered last time i was sick Dante made me ginger chicken, and I just started to cry, like fucking wail, in the middle of the store. It was so embarrassing. Everyone stared. I miss him so much. Im trying to move on, but it's harder then i ever thought it would be. I hate going to bed alone, I hate waking up alone. I feel so alone. I know I have friends, but friends wont hold you in the night and tell you everything is gonna be ok. I want to call him, but I dont wanna bug him, because its not fair, he has already done so much. Im gonna try and go to bed now.

its funny

2008-05-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

how the weirdest things make me cry now, i thought i had moved beyond a lot of this, but i guess i was just trying to fool myself, because its not normal to just start crying in the grocery store..

Im going stir crazy!!!

2008-05-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

I need to get out of this apartment!! Im going mad! Sadly, I dont think I can drive :(

Not going to San Diego today..

2008-04-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

I have been doing nothing but throwing up for the last 2 hours, my throat is sore, my whole body aches and I can't even drink water. I hate being sick!

omg!

2008-04-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

So being awoken at 5am by your stomach that is twisting into knots and then throwing up everything you ate the day before is not a good way to start your day!

So lazy!!!

2008-04-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm pretty sure I am sick. I feel like I got hit by semi and I am totally drained. I am however hungry. I want to go to trader joe's, but it is too far to walk. The thing is I can see trader joe's from my window. I could throw a rock and hit it! God I'm lazy!

closing thoughts

2008-04-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is new day and with it a new beginning, a new opportunity. Why drag the past into such a beautiful thing, not saying forget the past, but take the good, forget the bad and learn from the past. Remember to always love, and even when you feel all alone, there is always some one who loves you, some one who cares. Sleep tight everyone......

I remember...

2008-04-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

I remember when my mom was in the hospital, you drove me to laguna so i could stand next the ocean because you know how happy and calm it makes me. I remember when i first talked to you about my rape, you were the first person i ever talked to about it, i cried so hard but you just kept holding me tighter and tighter and didnt let go because you knew how much i needed to be held. I remember when i got tested six months ago and we were driving to julian and you told me everything was going to be ok, no matter what you were there. I remember the first time i rode in your car, you pulled some crazy shit, but i still felt so safe. I remember the first time i saw you walk around that corner in santa monica and time stood still. I remember the first time i saw you smile, and it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. I remember that night we talked and decided to take a break, and i remember how much we both cried and how guilty you felt and how you didnt let go. I remember the first night we spent together and how amazing it was to wake up next to you. Most of all i remember how lucky i felt everyday to have found such an amazing man who made me feel special and capable of more than i ever thought possible....

Today was better..

2008-04-23T18:18:00.001-07:00

A lot of the same, but the more I think of it the more I understand, came up with an analogy that helps me put it all into perspective, which is good. Still hurts, and I still can't see them together, because the idea of someone else touching him sickens me, but I hope that gets better with time because I'm missing out on stuff because of it...

Im still awake...

2008-04-23T01:46:00.000-07:00

I walked around for a couple hours thinking about stuff and im just sick of this, feeling this way, i cant do this i really cant, im gonna try and get some sleep now, maybe that will help, i know itll all be ok, but when, and for who......

I keep listening to this song...on repeat

2008-04-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

"God of wine" by third eye blind

Today

2008-04-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

So I am gonna go get tested today and I couldn't be more freaked out. I had the worst dreams last night. I guess its just a part of me to always go directly to the worst case scenario. It just sucks because when I got tested last time, he was there, no matter what happened I knew he would be there no matter what. Now, if I do have something like HIV, I feel like Im kind of alone, and what's worse is that if I do have HIV, I probably gave it to him, and he probably has given it to the other guy. That's two lives I have ruined. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I hope I never get there...

home

2008-04-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

I realized today that the reason i don't have a home is because he was my home...

I went for a walk....

2008-04-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Had a lot on my mind, so I went for a walk, for 2 hours I walked aimlessly around UCI. I cried, I got angry, I got lost, I got worried, I walked to Albertsons. On the way back home I think I saw him, who knows, I wasn't wearing my contacts. Music has an amazing ability to either lift you up or rip you apart. Tonight was the latter. Came back to my place and talked to my roommate, it sucks having a roommate who is a psychology major, you tell him all your problems and don't even realize you are doing it. Well I think Im gonna try and go to bed, I have work at 4am, but really don't feel like sleeping..... What's sad is that if he called or stopped by, it would make my night......

why?

2008-04-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

why can i be totally fine one second and then wham!!!! like a punch to the gut im not ok. I start crying and thinking horrible thoughts and it sucks and i get paranoid and sad and depressed and stressed out and so hurt! Im going for a drive or something, i cant stay still right now... Maybe Im just freaked about tomorrow, maybe its so many things that I cant even begin to start...

So I went out on a date..

2008-04-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

It was ok, nothing too special. If anything I realized I shouldnt date for awhile. The more I date the more I realize that I want what i cant have and that nothing has come even close to what I had before. I hate this. Well Im off to class, catch you all later..

Things I'm grateful for...

2008-04-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

Instead of focusing on the negative, lets focus on the positive..

* My friends- I have amazing friends that always have my back and are always there.

* My family- I didn't realize until recently how amazing my family is. They are all weird, crazy people, and I love them with all my heart.

* I have a job- a lot of people don't have one, I can support myself, barely, but I can.

* I'm in school and working towards something better- alot of people cant go to college, I'm lucky

* We're still friends- even after all the crying and the hurt and sort of yelling we're still friends and I'm really grateful for that.

I guess I'm just really having problem letting go, because I wanted so much for him to be the one. I really thought he was, and maybe he still his, but not right now. I just can't let go of the idea of him, and all the things I never told him and all the things that are not gonna happen. All the things that someone else gets to experience with him now, when those are suppose to be my experiences and my future and my prince charming....

note to self...

2008-04-07T22:26:00.001-07:00

Do not watch finding nemo when you are feeling sad....

I miss him..

2008-04-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

I miss him so much! It's not like he is dead, or moved away, but maybe its worse that he is so close but at the same time he is farther away then he has ever been. Sometimes I wish he had cheated on me. It would make everything so much easier. I could be angry at him, I could yell at him, I could have strength in my anger. But he didn't cheat on me, instead he treated me with respect and was honest with me, like he has always been honest with me. He expressed his feelings and was brutally honest, like he always has been. He has been great through all this, if i need to talk he is there. How can I be mad at someone who treated me with such respect and openness? I can't. I'm not ready to think of him with another guy, it still hurts too much to think about. He was mine.... all mine, I regret not taking advantage of that and not kissing him more and not communicating more. I cry less now, but it still comes out of nowhere. Im still having weird dreams, the latest one is Im like 80 and Im alone, Im walking down the beach and I run into dante, we see each other and we kiss, he tells me how much he has missed me and how much he loves me and how his biggest regret is dumping me all those years ago and can I ever forgive him, I forgive him, we kiss, and then i die of a heart attack of something, in his arms, I hate that Im such a vivid dreamer, well i have had a long ass day at work so Im gonna take a nap and then go somewhere and write in my journal and figure some stuff out, later everybody ;)

April 4th

2008-04-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

So its the third night at my new place. It's going alright, my roommates seem like cool guys, little messy, but i dont mind cleaning. It's weird being alone. I want to call, I want to text, but I know I should try being alone. I promised myself I wouldnt text,call, facebook, email, or go over there today, but I already broke that this morning by texting him, emailing him and writing on his wall. It's just weird when you are use to talking to someone everyday for so long and then you don't. I went to work today, came back to the apartment, changed clothes, and then read a little for school, and then got bored so I went back to work to hang out, which is so sad. Was there for like an hour, just chatting it up. Then I went to wholesome choice and got some bomb chinese food, and on the drive back to the apartment I realized I dont own a fork and prayed that my roommates had silverware. Thank god they steal silverware from wholesome choice ;) So now Im just chillin on my bed, chatting with my homies, exploring hulu, trying to keep busy so I dont think about someone, and this someone being with someone else. I know it's a reality, but I still feel like this is some weird nightmare and I'm gonna wake up any moment. I just need to get over him, but i dont know how... I guess just keep busy, if he wants to hang out he'll call me, but what if he doesnt call me?

I can't keep doing this...

2008-03-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I can't....... Any scab that had formed feels like it was just ripped off. I'm not doing this again. I can't do this again. Love is a powerful thing, too powerful. I still love him with all my heart. I dont know how not too. At the same time I wanna scream at him! I wanna yell and shout! I know why I always pushed my pain down and never dealt with it, it hurts too much to deal with it. I keep comparing him to brad. It's similiar in alot of ways, but completly different in every other way. Why do I always get dumped for someone else? When will someone amazing that I love and care for pick me? I need to talk to someone, but that someone isnt here. I dont know how not to be his boyfriend. I constantly want to text him or call him, but I always stop myself. He's not mine anymore, and that sucks. I feel bad that I even emailed him a few days ago. I hope no one ever hurts him the way I hurt now. Even after all this pain I still feel protective of him. He's my pumpkin, he will always be my pumpkin. I dont want to date anyone. Not for a very very very very long time. i would have to forget how this feels before I ever let anyone else in. Im proud of myself for letting someone in. It wasn't easy, but it felt good. The only thing that sucks is that this wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't let him in so deep. He was all the way in. He just might be the only one to ever be all the way in. I just feel hurt that in 2 weeks he is already in another relationship, that he said I love you to another guy. I'll miss his smell, he had the most amazing smell. I'll miss how he could always make me smile, even when I was crying. I'll miss how special he made me feel. I felt like a king when I was around him. I hope this new guy knows how lucky he is to be Dante's boyfriend. Everyone keeps telling me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I liked the fish I found, it was the most amazing fish.

Home sick..

2008-03-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

So I woke up at 3am with massive stomach cramps and then proceeded to throw up...yay? So much stuff going on right now. I guess I'll start with the most recent and move backwards. Sort of had a date last night. We hung out, just talked a lot. At the end he kissed me and it was just really weird. I'm kissing this guy and it's like I'm having an out of body experience. I don't know if it was just because he was a bad kisser or because he wasn't dante. Dante was an amazing kisser, and there was passion, I miss that... I'm trying so hard to move on, but I guess I'm still angry at him. I don't want to be angry. I guess the main problem is that I still love him and I don't know how to feel differently. I'm the one that got dumped, this wasn't my choice. He ended it, he found someone else, he wasn't happy. Right now he is in some really nice hotel with this guy for spring break and it is killing me. I guess I'm really angry at him because I moved my whole life to be with him, not that my life in el cajon was great, but my family is there and my friends are there. All I have up here is him, and he's not mine anymore. I know he will always be there for me, but if he gets really serious with this guy things might change. It sucks when you feel like you have found the one, but that person doesn't think you're the one. I thought we were stronger because we had different taste in things, we we're really similar on a basic level, but liked different stuff. I thought that was great. How am I ever going to experience anything new if I surrounded myself with people who like the same things I like. Well let's move on. My niece was born! She is adorable!!! and what else.... I guess thats it for now. I'm gonna go lye down...

Its St. Patricks day..

2008-03-17T14:16:00.001-07:00

.... but I don't feel much like celebrating. I'm doing better, but its still hurts. Sometimes I wish everything could go back to the way it was before all this shit happened. I wish I could just go back........ I know I have to move forward. Maybe that will help. I just keep hoping he is gonna change his mind. I know I need to become my own person, but why do we have to break up for that to happen. I tried reaching out to the other person. Just wanted to be friendly. I know if I'm still friends with Dante that there is always going to a chance we are gonna cross paths, so I just wanted to extend an olive branch, that's all. I don't hate this guy. Sure when I think of him with my now ex it makes me nausceous and sick to my stomach and I get this pain in the pit of my gut and I want to cry, but he respected what Dante and I had. He didn't try and make a move until after Dante and I were on a break. If Dante thinks he is a cool guy he probably is because dante does have a pretty good judge of character. If Dante needs time to figure out what he wants who am I to deny him that. He gave me the happiest 9 months of my life. I have very few regrets coming out of this. I wish I had kissed him more, been more affectionate. I wish I didn't almost ruined it in the beginning. I wish I knew the last time I was gonna kiss him was gonna be the last, I would have made it last forever. On a different note, I missed my grandma's birthday party, I'm a horrible grandson......

Adam is sick of feeling hurt..

2008-03-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Im so sick of this pain. This constant intense pain in my soul. I wish I understood more. I wish there more answers. I wish I ........I just want this pain to go way. I know this is the risk you take when you fall in love and you put yourself on the line, but you never think its gonna end. I know he is still there for me, but its the end of so much. I feel like I've been rejected. I know I haven't been replaced, but it feels a little like it. I know I gave him permission to do what he did, but it happened so fast it still feels like cheating somehow. I just need to focus on the positive. I've never lived on my own, it might be fun, it will be an adventure. I get to work two jobs, think of all the skills I'll learn from my second job. Maybe this is all for the best, but its hard to think that. It's hard to think that this ending is a good thing. I have to be strong. I have to hold my head up. I'm so tired of crying. I just have to take what I can from this experience and move forward. It's just gonna be weird being his friend, and only his friend. Its like getting into the VIP back room of a cool club. You get comfortable and then out of the blue you get kicked out. You can still go to the club, it's not gone. You can fun at the club, dance and stuff, but that back room is off limits now. You still love the club, you just worry if it's gonna be the same. Especially because someone else is in that back room instead of you. I don't know. Im gonna study a little and hit the hay, busy ass day tomorrow!

Random thing to pounder.....

2008-03-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

Every mall in America is exactly the same. No matter where you go, they will have the same basic chains that they have everywhere. Its kinda depressing that nothing is unique. There are exceptions to this, but for the most part it is true. Why do stores make you go through a labyrinth just to get to the register? I was at borders and I practically had to walk to the other side of the store just to turn around and go through the maze just to buy something. Note to self: Do not cry while driving. It blurs your vision, cripples your depth perception and you just look crazy to everyone around you.

PS - Blimp hangers are huge!

It's 4 in the morning.........

2008-03-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep. Not because the stupid smoke detector keeps beeping every 30 seconds, but because their are too many thoughts racing through my mind. First, I'm scared, scared that the best thing that has ever happened to me might be over. Not that I'm trying to focus on the negative here, but when you have lost so much in your life you cant help but be afraid of losing even more. I'm afraid because nothing is certain and there are no real answers to my questions. I'm sad that I'm lying here in this bed alone while he sleeps on the couch. Im jealous of what this other guy gets to do with him, it doesn't seem fair. Im kinda angry that I moved my whole life here, when I only knew one person who lives up here and know this one person wants to change things. I'm hurt every time I hear him get a text message, because I know its from that other person, who I cant help but feel like is replacing . He's younger, thinner, goes to a better school and has a better major, he's someone you can bring home to mom and dad, and every time i hear that text it's like someone punched the inside of my stomach downwards. I'm scared that I wont make it on my own, I barely make enough money as it is and now i have to pay rent too. It all seems impossible. I hate that he feels so guilty. I sort of understand why he is doing this, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I can only hope that after this break we are stronger. I can only hope it makes him realize how strong his love for me is and how much he missed me. My biggest worry is that after this break I will come back and he will be madly in love with this person, or some other person and i will have lost him. I know he will always be in my life and he will always be there for me. It's just hard when you love someone so much, but you cant even kiss that person because they are kissing someone else. I feel like someone is stealing my kisses. I recently asked a friend who had married the first person she had ever been in a relationship with how she knew he was the one? Her answer was simple, and I couldn't agree more. She said she knew he was that one because she never wondered about what else was out there. When I'm with him all I think about is him. I'm not thinking about a cute guy that came through my store earlier that day, or what I'm missing out on by choosing to be with him. For me it feels so right and so perfect, I guess he feels differently. I guess we will see. Even if we do get back together I wonder if it will ever be the same. He was my world, and maybe thats the problem. I rely on him for too much. Maybe he deserves better, maybe this other guy is better, maybe this will be good for us. All I know is I would give up anything for one real kiss from his lips, for this awkwardness to go away, for him to hold me tight in his arms and tell me he's sorry, he doesn't know what he was thinking, and could I ever forgive him..... Well I'm gonna stay up a little longer, look for some places to live. Once again Adam Brucker doesn't have a home....

Two weeks until my 23rd birthday.....

2008-03-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Im almost 23 years old and I am finally on a good path. I'm going to school, working towards a degree. I moved out of my mom's house and in with the most amazing man. I've started dealing with pain that I have kept deep inside myself. I feel like I have come along way since my 22nd birthday. At the same time there are so many things that are up in the air right now and I don't have any control. These things effect my whole life, and I have no control. There are two outcomes, one is good and the other I don't even want to think about. I don't know why I am writing this, it wont help, it wont make everything better, it wont fix anything, and it's not like anyone reads this blog anyway..........

Im sitting next to Allison!

2008-02-17T22:02:00.001-08:00

thats all I have to report.....

Try This!

2008-01-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

Saw this online and thought i was interesting. While sitting at your desk lift up your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now , while doing this draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change directions, and there is nothing you can do about it.

God took my umbrella away!

2008-01-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

I went to ikea today and had to park far away. It was raining just a little so I thought i would grab my umbrella from the back of my car. As Im walking to the entrance , umbrella in hand, a massive gust of wind inverts my umbrella and then carries it away. It all happened so fast I had no idea where my umbrella went. Logically it's probably in somebody's windshield, but I like to think god took it :)

This is Hilarious

2008-01-27T20:33:00.001-08:00

Pinkberry!!!!!

2008-01-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

Today I officially announce my love for pinkberry! If you have not experianced this wonderment you must!!! They are only in California and in New York... but go!!!!!!! In other news, major party going on tonight at my place, which means I'll be leaving for awhile to evade the horror that are my roommates parties. I updated some photos on facebook, go check them out. Nothing more to report. Later gators!

I rocked at work today!!!

2008-01-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

So I frickin ROCKED!!!! I got everything done in like an hour when it takes everyone else like 5 hours! I also got paid today! Gonna buy a new mattress today because our mattress was created by Satan or puritans, both sound uncomfortable :) Then I'm gonna drop off some old clothes at salvation army, then research some voting stuff. I have narrowed it down to two candidates. Should I vote for the one I want to vote for who doesn't stand a chance or the one who is similar but not the same and does stand a chance. There is lot to consider that's for sure. Well later peeps, I'm off on my mattress adventure... that sounds slutty....

I twisted my knee last night :(

2008-01-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

I was lying in bed, minding my own business, all of a sudden a thought occured to me, "I need blah :), I'll go grab it". I lowered my leg off of the bed and right as i began to step off the bed a horrible crackling popping gut wrenching sound pulsated through my being. I then began to scream my head off as I fell to the floor. Thankfully my amazing boyfriend was here to help me. So now I'm just lying in bed, reading about different knee surgeries, and non surgical options, but many of you know, this isn't the first time I've done this. I'm pretty sure I tore my meniscus. It's the most common knee injury in america, according to some random orthopedic website. If I have the surgery I'll be out of commission for awhile, like 2-4 months depending on how severe the tear is, and how my physical therapy goes. So the next step is x-rays and MRI's and all that jazz. Ill keep everyone posted, all 3 of you.