Direction

I have never felt more lost in my whole life. I don't know who I am, what I want or where I am going. What do I do? Move somewhere new? Do I just need a change of scenery? Would going back to school help? Am I just feeling this way because I am back in El Cajon and surrounded by a past I try to move on from but keeps bringing me down? I know living with my mother isn't helping and I need to get out of here asap. I am thinking of moving back to orange county. It wasn't perfect but I felt like I was moving forward there. Financially it wasnt great but emotionally I felt more progressed. Living here I am surrounded by so many memories that I cherish and hate all at the same time. I just need something.....

Parents

I am sitting in my room watching Brothers and Sisters which always makes me reflect on my own family. Sometimes I wish I had different parents. Even though I know my Dad loved me and did everything in his power to provide for his family and worked so hard to make sure I never went without I am still resentful that he was gone so much. I hate that I didn't take advantage of the fleeting moments he was home. I am also pissed that he left me with the monster. My mother is the farthest thing from a mother. She is a needy, self centered, lying, cheating, drug addicted, hot mess. I see my friend's moms and I am green with envy. I recently went to a friend's parent's house and I was warmly invited. His mom made me a tuna sandwich and cut up fresh strawberries and put them in a tiny little bowl on the side. She oozed maternal instincts from every pore of her skin. I felt loved, I felt a maternal love that I rarely get to experience and in that moment I was actually jealous of my friend that he gets this love every day of his life. I then felt like a horrible person for being jealous of something so amazing. I wish I had this complex family dynamic. I wish I had a horde of brother and sisters I could argue with and be there for. I wish there was a maternal home we could all meet at for family dinners. I wish...

NEWS!!!

1) I chopped off my hair!

2) My best friend in the whole world is going to have a baby!!

3) I am so tired of looking for places to live in SD I kind of just want to live in my car.

Honesty

So I think it time I start to look at my life with complete honesty. I am too good at fooling myself or ignoring problems. I am 25, I have no college degree, I am overweight, losing my hair, my father was murdered, my mother is crazy, and I don't know what makes me happy. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I am an adult in the sense that my age fits that term, but inside I still feel 18. Unsure of what direction to take. Afraid of going down the wrong path. I am so afraid of going down the wrong path I have set up camp at the fork in the road. I am going to start using this blog to figure out who I am, what I want and where I want to go in my life. I am not a weak person. I know this. I am stronger than I ever give myself credit for. I can do anything I put my mind to.

Most AMAZING thing EVER!!!

Movie Review!!!!

SO I have been wanting to do a new blog for a long time and I jut haven't had anything really to say. My life has been dullsville lately with no job and no school. So I thought I would give my go at a movie review! We all know i always have an opinion..... about everything!

I recently saw the movie Taking Woodstock. The latest work from Oscar winning Ang Lee. It stars Demetri Martin, who in latest years I have really come to dislike. Once his show started on Comedy Central, my respect for his comedy really fell. This movie really made me like him again! His acting was real, genuine, and the comedy was something everybody could relate to. My favorite part of this film was Imelda Staunton. Her portrayal of Sonia Teichberg was AMAZING!!!! I loved her, I laughed, I hated her at one point, but then loved her again! Now the only thing was strange about this film was the awkward gay tension between Demetri Martin's character and every other male in the film. Every time he talked to a man there was this crazy awkwardness! You kept wondering if they were gonna make out, and then finally *spolier alert* he made out with a dude in front of his dad! AWKWARD!!! All in all, I would watch this again!

I don't know why the font changed out of nowhere......

ADD FTL!!

So I want to apologize for the lack of new blog post that have any substance. I have just been getting massive ADD every time I sit down to write a post. I promise good things are coming soon. *that's what she said!*