Well hello long lost blog

1) Just finished Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk, was pretty awesome!

2) Had one of the most amazing weeks of my life with the sweetest guy ever!

3) Have a weird hat tan line on my forehead.

4) Quit the bucks, or let go, depends who you ask.

5) School starts at the end of august! Can't wait!!

6)I miss San Diego more and more every day.

7) I miss someone else, more and more everyday.

8) Without school and a job my days are boring as all hell.

9) I need to settle on a major!

10) I could use a good cuddle right now.

30 minutes until V-day

I am single, still. I didn't think I would still be single almost a year later. In this year I realized one thing, I hate being single. I hate being alone. I hate that when I am down and need someone to hold me in their arms, I have no one. When I come home from work, there is no one to lay in bed with and talk about our days. When I get an A on a test, there is no one to give me a hug. I still can't just make food for one person, I always make way too much. I guess I really do need that validation of another person. Someone else wanting to be with me, choosing me over someone else. Deciding to spend their time with me because they love me. Mainly I miss the way that person looks at you, I would kill for someone to look at me like that again. I feel invisible, discarded, unwanted left overs for the dog to sniff at. I just feel like I have all this love to give, all this affection to show, and no one wants it. Well this didnt help.

It's a New Year

As a new year is about to begin, I think of all the things  that I hope to make better.

1) I'm going to delete all my online profiles. I have met some really great guys, but for the most part it is just a huge waste of time. Also, I want to meet someone in real life.

2) I am going to take better care of myself, which includes the following.

A) Create a work out routine and stick to it.

B) Eat! At least three meals a day, no going all day without eating anymore.

C) Floss!

D) Call my doctors, find out what is wrong with me.

3) Have more respect for myself. No hook ups, no friends with benefits, no casual sex. I am so over it! I want the next man I kiss to be someone special, someone important, someone who deserves it!

4) Quit Starbucks!! Find a job I enjoy, where I'm treated with respect and I actually make enough money to support myself.

5) Focus on school. My education is the key to my future success and the life I wish to lead. I need to make it a priority. I am not stupid, I am worth more than a McJob!

6) I need to tackle all my demons. I can't let them rule my life anymore. I need to come to terms with my past and just be able to move on from all of it and be happy. My Dad was murdered, I was raped, my Mom has gone crazy and the one person I have ever loved left me. All these things happened, and I can't change that. What I can change is how I let these events effect my life and my future. I refuse to cry myself to sleep even one more night. I am a strong person! 

Tomorrow is a new day, a new year, and a new beginning, and I am ready to start living.

Emo blog post

I just don't get it. I can't even say hi without feeling like I am a huge burden. I just wish for once I didn't have to work so hard to be a part of his life still. I wish he would call me and want to hang out. Though maybe I should just take a hint. Maybe this is his way of telling me he doesn't want me in his life. I mean, why would he want me in his life, what need do I serve. I have been completely replaced. It just hurts that after all we have been through, the ups and the downs, he doesn't even want to be friends.....

Hmmm

So I find myself falling into old self destructive habits I thought I had left behind. Things I know that are bad but give me a brief moment of escape from the pain I carry. I wish I knew how to handle all the things on my plate, but I feel at my age I shouldn't have to deal with a lot of these things. I am not mature enough or have the wisdom to handle it all. Somedays I just want to get in my car an drive, and just keep driving until my car breaks down, and then start walking, and not stop until my legs are sore and broken.  I've never been so torn in my emotions, I feel bi-polar. I am so angry, so unbelievably angry, but at the same time I just want any attention I can get. I feel like all the promises made are not being kept. We rarely see each other, I know nothing about what's going on in his life. I feel like I have been completely replaced, my role unnecessary. I feel so weak, so weak, but my pain is so strong. I just want somebody to hold me, someone to hold me in their arms and really mean it. 

I dont understand

Why does this still hurts? Why do I still cry? Is it because this other person gets to do everything I ever wanted to do with him. He gets to have the relationship I always dreamed of having with him. He has met his parents, gone to Europe with him, it's not fair. What was so wrong with me that I was hidden? Why was I kept a secret? Did he not love me as much? Was he ashamed of me? embarrassed by me? I hate that when I lay alone on my bed at night I think of the two of them together, cuddling, and it hurts.  Why does he get to be happy?  I guess it hurts because when I was with him, my life had meaning, it had purpose. I could create a future with him, I did create a future with him. There was a plan! I moved for him! I changed my major for him! I did everything for him! And where is now, not here! I know this is just some angry rant, I know he does care and is just doing what he feels is right for him and living his life. I know he is always there for me for whatever I need, I know he loved me with all his heart. It hurts because I saw it all happen right in front of me and I did nothing, if only I had said don't hang out with him, where would I be now?

Been pondering...

... and the more i ponder the more I realize. I have all these issues weighing  me down. It's like a 50 ton boulder I carry around with me everyday. Some issues are easy to confront, but the majority I am scared shitless of even going near. I realize life is too short, and to let my life be hindered in any way by these cancers is ridiculous. Too cry myself to sleep even one more night is unacceptable. To be anything less than  happy and filled with joy and promise and a hunger to conquer life is pathetic. I will face my demons one by one and come out stronger, happier, and 50 tons lighter.