Direction

I have never felt more lost in my whole life. I don't know who I am, what I want or where I am going. What do I do? Move somewhere new? Do I just need a change of scenery? Would going back to school help? Am I just feeling this way because I am back in El Cajon and surrounded by a past I try to move on from but keeps bringing me down? I know living with my mother isn't helping and I need to get out of here asap. I am thinking of moving back to orange county. It wasn't perfect but I felt like I was moving forward there. Financially it wasnt great but emotionally I felt more progressed. Living here I am surrounded by so many memories that I cherish and hate all at the same time. I just need something.....

Parents

I am sitting in my room watching Brothers and Sisters which always makes me reflect on my own family. Sometimes I wish I had different parents. Even though I know my Dad loved me and did everything in his power to provide for his family and worked so hard to make sure I never went without I am still resentful that he was gone so much. I hate that I didn't take advantage of the fleeting moments he was home. I am also pissed that he left me with the monster. My mother is the farthest thing from a mother. She is a needy, self centered, lying, cheating, drug addicted, hot mess. I see my friend's moms and I am green with envy. I recently went to a friend's parent's house and I was warmly invited. His mom made me a tuna sandwich and cut up fresh strawberries and put them in a tiny little bowl on the side. She oozed maternal instincts from every pore of her skin. I felt loved, I felt a maternal love that I rarely get to experience and in that moment I was actually jealous of my friend that he gets this love every day of his life. I then felt like a horrible person for being jealous of something so amazing. I wish I had this complex family dynamic. I wish I had a horde of brother and sisters I could argue with and be there for. I wish there was a maternal home we could all meet at for family dinners. I wish...