I can't believe I forgot!

My real family!!! My friends!!!!!! I'm so lucky to have the friends I have!!! They are way better than my biological family, mainly because I chose my friends!! You all rock! Thank you so much for being there!

Family..

Why am I so afraid to lose her? In so many ways she is already gone. Maybe I just am afraid to lose another parent, I don't know... I hate this, Im crying and there are so many people I could call, but I don't wanna burden them, this is my problem not theirs.  Maybe I just need a hug. I wish I had a hallmark family, I wish my Dad was still here, he was the glue...  

Listening to- Joseph Arthur

Wants- sprinkles

Mood- lonely

My family is falling apart..

So tomorrow is mother's day and my brother is going to cut my mom out of his life. He can't take her lies and bullshit anymore and I don't blame him. We have given her every chance, helped her in every way, but she wont change. She is still lying, still spending money, got another credit card, and still puts her church before her children. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs. Im just thankful I still have my brother and my grandparents.

Had a weird dream

I was cleaning my macbook, but it was giant, like the size of clifford the big red dog! It was intense, I really do need to clean it!

Cant sleep

Have a lot of energy, but trying to fall asleep because i have work at 4am. Oh well, best be productive I guess ;)

Health insurance

Is the most boring shit ever!!! Need a new coverage plan and reading fine print is just the most exciting thing ever!

What is disney thinking?

Just saw the trailer for beverly hills chihuahua and im still shocked that this isnt a joke....

Cinco De Mayo

I sit here in my quiet apartment, my roommates still asleep and a million thoughts race through my head as always. I look at old pictures of us, and I cry. Not because the memories are bad, the complete opposite, they are so good, and I miss them. I text him goodnight because for a brief second I feel like I'm not going to bed alone and that maybe just maybe he will be lying beside me when I wake up. I miss the tiniest things. I miss putting my hand on his thigh while we drive around in his car, I miss that so much. I miss being touched. When the person you love touches you, holds you, you feel special, you feel wanted. I miss feeling wanted. There are thousands of other guys out there that I could spend the rest of my life with and probably be happy. My grandma told me that her mother would always say a trolley car comes by every fifteen minutes, all you have to do is wait for it. I want to be happy, I want him to be happy, I just dont know what to do anymore, I dont know what else I can do, and he has already done more than enough, more than anyone else would in this situation.  I don't know why I write this blog, nobody reads it....

today was a hard day

Its when you're sick you really feel alone, especially when you are alone. I was walking through the grocery store looking for soup, then all of a sudden i remembered last time i was sick Dante made me ginger chicken, and I just started to cry, like fucking wail, in the middle of the store. It was so embarrassing. Everyone stared. I miss him so much. Im trying to move on, but it's harder then i ever thought it would be. I hate going to bed alone, I hate waking up alone. I feel so alone. I know I have friends, but friends wont hold you in the night and tell you everything is gonna be ok. I want to call him, but I dont wanna bug him, because its not fair, he has already done so much. Im gonna try and go to bed now. 

its funny

how the weirdest things make me cry now, i thought i had moved beyond a lot of this, but i guess i was just trying to fool myself, because its not normal to just start crying in the grocery store..

Im going stir crazy!!!

I need to get out of this apartment!! Im going mad!  Sadly, I dont think I can drive :(