Been thinking a lot about my past

I'm like a child with a really good memory. I remember everything I have lost. I don't forget and move onto something new. Even if I find something new I never forget what came before. I miss the little things. I miss being held so much. I miss just being touched in the slightest ways that you don't realize are significant until they're gone. I miss just grabbing Dim Sum at a moments notice, or waking up early to make someone breakfast. I miss going on drives with the top down blasting music along the coast and feeling like this is all too perfect to be real. I miss putting my hand on someone's thigh as they take a turn too fast. I miss being looked at like I'm wanted. I miss my life. I miss my Dad. I miss the life I was suppose to have. I miss the woman my Mom use to be. I miss waking up next to someone I love every morning. I miss being an us instead of an I. I miss his hugs. I miss his disgusting toothpaste. I regret never telling him I loved him. I regret not being more affectionate because I was so afraid of rejection and so afraid of letting go of control. I regret never telling him I was gay. I regret not getting to know him better. I regret putting the weight of my past onto him, even though I know he didn't mind helping me carry all my baggage and helping me go through it. I'm thankful he was in my life, because I would probably be dead right now if he hadn't helped me through so much. I'm thankful for the lessons he did teach me. Like don't be afraid to ask, the worst thing anyone can say is no. I wish I had more courage. I wish I had more strength. I wish someone could just hold me right now, because I need it so bad. I wish I had the balls to call him, but its 1am and he is probably with him and I don't want to disturb them. I hate that it's awkward now. I hate that my Mom is gone. This blog isn't about just one person, it's about 4 people. People I've lost. People I've loved. People who I have regrets about.