Hmmm

So I find myself falling into old self destructive habits I thought I had left behind. Things I know that are bad but give me a brief moment of escape from the pain I carry. I wish I knew how to handle all the things on my plate, but I feel at my age I shouldn't have to deal with a lot of these things. I am not mature enough or have the wisdom to handle it all. Somedays I just want to get in my car an drive, and just keep driving until my car breaks down, and then start walking, and not stop until my legs are sore and broken.  I've never been so torn in my emotions, I feel bi-polar. I am so angry, so unbelievably angry, but at the same time I just want any attention I can get. I feel like all the promises made are not being kept. We rarely see each other, I know nothing about what's going on in his life. I feel like I have been completely replaced, my role unnecessary. I feel so weak, so weak, but my pain is so strong. I just want somebody to hold me, someone to hold me in their arms and really mean it. 

I dont understand

Why does this still hurts? Why do I still cry? Is it because this other person gets to do everything I ever wanted to do with him. He gets to have the relationship I always dreamed of having with him. He has met his parents, gone to Europe with him, it's not fair. What was so wrong with me that I was hidden? Why was I kept a secret? Did he not love me as much? Was he ashamed of me? embarrassed by me? I hate that when I lay alone on my bed at night I think of the two of them together, cuddling, and it hurts.  Why does he get to be happy?  I guess it hurts because when I was with him, my life had meaning, it had purpose. I could create a future with him, I did create a future with him. There was a plan! I moved for him! I changed my major for him! I did everything for him! And where is now, not here! I know this is just some angry rant, I know he does care and is just doing what he feels is right for him and living his life. I know he is always there for me for whatever I need, I know he loved me with all his heart. It hurts because I saw it all happen right in front of me and I did nothing, if only I had said don't hang out with him, where would I be now?