It's 4 in the morning.........

Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep. Not because the stupid smoke detector keeps beeping every 30 seconds, but because their are too many thoughts racing through my mind. First, I'm scared, scared that the best thing that has ever happened to me might be over. Not that I'm trying to focus on the negative here, but when you have lost so much in your life you cant help but be afraid of losing even more. I'm afraid because nothing is certain and there are no real answers to my questions. I'm sad that I'm lying here in this bed alone while he sleeps on the couch. Im jealous of what this other guy gets to do with him, it doesn't seem fair. Im kinda angry that I moved my whole life here,  when I only knew one person who lives up here and know this one person wants to change things. I'm hurt every time I hear him get a text message, because I know its from that other person, who I cant help but feel like is replacing . He's younger, thinner, goes to a better school and has a better major, he's someone you can bring home to mom and dad, and every time i hear that text it's like someone punched the inside of my stomach downwards. I'm scared that I wont make it on my own, I barely make enough money as it is and now i have to pay rent too. It all seems impossible. I hate that he feels so guilty. I sort of understand why he is doing this, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I can only hope that after this break we are stronger. I can only hope it makes him realize how strong his love for me is and how much he missed me. My biggest worry is that after this break I will come back and he will be madly in love with this person, or some other person and i will have lost him. I know he will always be in my life and he will always be there for me. It's just hard when you love someone so much, but you cant even kiss that person because they are kissing someone else. I feel like someone is stealing my kisses. I recently asked a friend who had married the first person she had ever been in a relationship with how she knew he was the one? Her answer was simple, and I couldn't agree more. She said she knew he was that one because she never wondered about what else was out there. When I'm with him all I think about is him. I'm not thinking about a cute guy that came through my store earlier that day, or what I'm missing out on by choosing to be with him.  For me it feels so right and so perfect, I guess he feels differently. I guess we will see. Even if we do get back together I wonder if it will ever be the same. He was my world, and maybe thats the problem. I rely on him for too much. Maybe he deserves better, maybe this other guy is better, maybe this will be good for us. All I know is I would give up anything for one real kiss from his lips, for this awkwardness to go away, for him to hold me tight in his arms and tell me he's sorry, he doesn't know what he was thinking, and could I ever forgive him..... Well I'm gonna stay up a little longer, look for some places to live. Once again Adam Brucker doesn't have a home....