I miss him..

I miss him so much! It's not like he is dead, or moved away, but maybe its worse that he is so close but at the same time he is farther away then he has ever been. Sometimes I wish he had cheated on me. It would make everything so much easier.  I could be angry at him, I could yell at him, I could have strength in my anger. But he didn't cheat on me, instead he treated me with respect and was honest with me, like he has always been honest with me. He expressed his feelings and was brutally honest, like he always has been. He has been great through all this, if i need to talk he is there. How can I be mad at someone who treated me with such respect and openness? I can't. I'm not ready to think of him with another guy, it still hurts too much to think about. He was mine.... all mine, I regret not taking advantage of that and not kissing him more and not communicating more. I cry less now, but it still comes out of nowhere. Im still having weird dreams, the latest one is Im like 80 and Im alone, Im walking down the beach and I run into dante, we see each other and we kiss, he tells me how much he has missed me and how much he loves me and how his biggest regret is dumping me all those years ago and can I ever forgive him, I forgive him, we kiss, and then i die of a heart attack of something, in his arms, I hate that Im such a vivid dreamer, well i have had a long ass day at work so Im gonna take a nap and then go somewhere and write in my journal and figure some stuff out, later everybody ;)