I can't keep doing this...

I can't.......  Any scab that had formed feels like it was just ripped off. I'm not doing this again. I can't do this again. Love is  a powerful thing, too powerful.  I still love him with all my heart. I dont know how not too. At the same time I wanna scream at him! I wanna yell and shout! I know why I always pushed my pain down and never dealt with it, it hurts too much to deal with it. I keep comparing him to brad. It's similiar in alot of ways, but completly different in every other way. Why do I always get dumped for someone else? When will someone amazing that I love and care for pick me? I need to talk to someone, but that someone isnt here. I dont know how not to be his boyfriend. I constantly want to text him or call him, but I always stop myself. He's not mine anymore, and that sucks. I feel bad that I even emailed him a few days ago. I hope no one ever hurts him the way I hurt now. Even after all this pain I still feel protective of him. He's my pumpkin, he will always be my pumpkin. I dont want to date anyone. Not for a very very very very long time. i would have to forget how this feels before I ever let anyone else in. Im proud of myself for letting someone in. It wasn't easy, but it felt good. The only thing that sucks is that this wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't let him in so deep. He was all the way in. He just might be the only one to ever be all the way in. I just feel hurt that in 2 weeks he is already in another relationship, that he said I love you to another guy. I'll miss his smell, he had the most amazing smell. I'll miss how he could always make me smile, even when I was crying. I'll miss how special he made me feel. I felt like a king when I was around him. I hope this new guy knows how lucky he is to be Dante's boyfriend. Everyone keeps telling me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I liked the fish I found, it was the most amazing fish.

Home sick..

So I woke up at 3am with massive stomach cramps and then proceeded to throw up...yay? So much stuff going on right now. I guess I'll start with the most recent and move backwards. Sort of had a date last night. We hung out, just talked a lot. At the end he kissed me and it was just really weird. I'm kissing this guy and it's like I'm having an out of body experience. I don't know if it was just because he was a bad kisser or because he wasn't dante. Dante was an amazing kisser, and there was passion, I miss that... I'm trying so hard to move on, but I guess I'm still angry at him. I don't want to be angry.  I guess the main problem is that I still love him and I don't know how to feel differently. I'm the one that got dumped, this wasn't my choice. He ended it, he found someone else, he wasn't happy. Right now he is in some really nice hotel with this guy for spring break and it is killing me. I guess I'm really angry at him because I moved my whole life to be with him, not that my life in el cajon was great, but  my family is there and my friends are there. All I have up here is him, and he's not mine anymore. I know he will always be there for me, but if he gets really serious with this guy things might change. It sucks when you feel like you have found the one, but that person doesn't think you're the one. I thought we were stronger because we had different taste in things, we we're really similar on a basic level, but liked different stuff. I thought that was great. How am I ever going to experience anything new if I surrounded myself with people who like the same things I like. Well let's move on. My niece was born! She is adorable!!! and what else.... I guess thats it for now. I'm gonna go lye down...

Its St. Patricks day..

.... but I don't feel much like celebrating. I'm doing better, but its still hurts. Sometimes I wish everything could go back to the way it was before all this shit happened. I wish I could just go back........ I know I have to move forward. Maybe that will help. I just keep hoping he is gonna change his mind. I know I need to become my own person, but why do we have to break up for that to happen. I tried reaching out to the other person. Just wanted to be friendly. I know if I'm still friends with Dante that there is always going to a chance we are gonna cross paths, so I just wanted to extend an olive branch, that's all. I don't hate this guy. Sure when I think of him with my now ex it makes me nausceous and sick to my stomach and I get this pain in the pit of my gut and I want to cry, but he respected what Dante and I had. He didn't try and make a move until after Dante and I were on a break. If Dante thinks he is a cool guy he probably is because dante does have a pretty good judge of character. If Dante needs time to figure out what he wants who am I to deny him that. He gave me the happiest 9 months of my life. I have very few regrets coming out of this. I wish I had kissed him more, been more affectionate. I wish I didn't almost ruined it in the beginning. I wish I knew the last time I was gonna kiss him was gonna be the last, I would have made it last forever. On a different note, I missed my grandma's birthday party, I'm a horrible grandson......

Adam is sick of feeling hurt..

Im so sick of this pain. This constant intense pain in my soul. I wish I understood more. I wish there more answers. I wish I ........I just want this pain to go way. I know this is the risk you take when you fall in love and you put yourself on the line, but you never think its gonna end. I know he is still there for me, but its the end of so much. I feel like I've been rejected. I know I haven't been replaced, but it feels a little like it. I know I gave him permission to do what he did, but it happened so fast it still feels like cheating somehow. I just need to focus on the positive. I've never lived on my own, it might be fun, it will be an adventure. I get to work two jobs, think of all the skills I'll learn from my second job. Maybe this is all for the best, but its hard to think that. It's hard to think that this ending is a good thing. I have to be strong. I have to hold my head up. I'm so tired of crying. I just have to take what I can from this experience and move forward. It's just gonna be weird being his friend, and only his friend. Its like getting into the VIP back room of a cool club. You get comfortable and then out of the blue you get kicked out. You can still go to the club, it's not gone. You can fun  at the club, dance and stuff, but that back room is off limits now. You still love the club, you just worry if it's gonna be the same. Especially because someone else is in that back room instead of you. I don't know. Im gonna study a little and hit the hay, busy ass day tomorrow!

Random thing to pounder.....

Every mall in America is exactly the same. No matter where you go, they will have the same basic chains that they have everywhere. Its kinda depressing that nothing is unique. There are exceptions to this, but for the most part it is true. Why do stores make you go through a labyrinth just to get to the register? I was at borders and I practically had to walk to the other side of the store just to turn around and go through the maze just to buy something. Note to self: Do not cry while driving. It blurs your vision, cripples your depth perception and you just look crazy to everyone around you.

PS - Blimp hangers are huge!

It's 4 in the morning.........

Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep. Not because the stupid smoke detector keeps beeping every 30 seconds, but because their are too many thoughts racing through my mind. First, I'm scared, scared that the best thing that has ever happened to me might be over. Not that I'm trying to focus on the negative here, but when you have lost so much in your life you cant help but be afraid of losing even more. I'm afraid because nothing is certain and there are no real answers to my questions. I'm sad that I'm lying here in this bed alone while he sleeps on the couch. Im jealous of what this other guy gets to do with him, it doesn't seem fair. Im kinda angry that I moved my whole life here,  when I only knew one person who lives up here and know this one person wants to change things. I'm hurt every time I hear him get a text message, because I know its from that other person, who I cant help but feel like is replacing . He's younger, thinner, goes to a better school and has a better major, he's someone you can bring home to mom and dad, and every time i hear that text it's like someone punched the inside of my stomach downwards. I'm scared that I wont make it on my own, I barely make enough money as it is and now i have to pay rent too. It all seems impossible. I hate that he feels so guilty. I sort of understand why he is doing this, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I can only hope that after this break we are stronger. I can only hope it makes him realize how strong his love for me is and how much he missed me. My biggest worry is that after this break I will come back and he will be madly in love with this person, or some other person and i will have lost him. I know he will always be in my life and he will always be there for me. It's just hard when you love someone so much, but you cant even kiss that person because they are kissing someone else. I feel like someone is stealing my kisses. I recently asked a friend who had married the first person she had ever been in a relationship with how she knew he was the one? Her answer was simple, and I couldn't agree more. She said she knew he was that one because she never wondered about what else was out there. When I'm with him all I think about is him. I'm not thinking about a cute guy that came through my store earlier that day, or what I'm missing out on by choosing to be with him.  For me it feels so right and so perfect, I guess he feels differently. I guess we will see. Even if we do get back together I wonder if it will ever be the same. He was my world, and maybe thats the problem. I rely on him for too much. Maybe he deserves better, maybe this other guy is better, maybe this will be good for us. All I know is I would give up anything for one real kiss from his lips, for this awkwardness to go away, for him to hold me tight in his arms and tell me he's sorry, he doesn't know what he was thinking, and could I ever forgive him..... Well I'm gonna stay up a little longer, look for some places to live. Once again Adam Brucker doesn't have a home....

Two weeks until my 23rd birthday.....

Im almost 23 years old and I am finally on a good path. I'm going to school, working towards a degree. I moved out of my mom's house and in with the most amazing man. I've started dealing with pain that I have kept deep inside myself. I feel like I have come along way since my 22nd birthday. At the same time there are so many things that are up in the air right now and I don't have any control. These things effect my whole life, and I have no control. There are two outcomes, one is good and the other I don't even want to think about. I don't know why I am writing this, it wont help, it wont make everything better, it wont fix anything, and it's not like anyone reads this blog anyway..........