Not going to San Diego today..

I have been doing nothing but throwing up for the last 2 hours, my throat is sore, my whole body aches and I can't even drink water.  I hate being sick!  

omg!

So being awoken at 5am by your stomach that is twisting into knots and then throwing up everything you ate the day before is not a good way to start your day!

So lazy!!!

So I'm pretty sure I am sick. I feel like I got hit by  semi and I am totally drained. I am however hungry. I want to go to trader joe's, but it is too far to walk. The thing is I can see trader joe's from my window. I could throw a rock and hit it! God I'm lazy!

closing thoughts

tomorrow is new day and with it a new beginning, a new opportunity. Why drag the past into such a beautiful thing, not saying forget the past, but take the good, forget the bad and learn from the past. Remember to always love, and even when you feel all alone, there is always some one who loves you, some one who cares. Sleep tight everyone......

I remember...

I remember when my mom was in the hospital, you drove me to laguna so i could stand next the ocean because you know how happy and calm it makes me. I remember when i first talked to you about my rape, you were the first person i ever talked to about it, i cried so hard but you just kept holding me tighter and tighter and didnt let go because you knew how much i needed to be held. I remember when i got tested six months ago and we were driving to julian and you told me everything was going to be ok, no matter what you were there. I remember the first time i rode in your car, you pulled some crazy shit, but i still felt so safe. I remember the first time i saw you walk around that corner in santa monica  and time stood still. I remember the first time i saw you smile, and it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. I remember that night we talked and decided to take a break, and i remember how much we both cried and how guilty you felt and how you didnt let go. I remember the first night we spent together and how amazing it was to wake up next to you. Most of all i remember how lucky i felt everyday to have found such an amazing man who made me feel special and capable of more than i ever thought possible....

Today was better..

A lot of the same, but the more I think of it the more I understand, came up with an analogy that helps me put it all into perspective, which is good. Still hurts, and I still can't see them together, because the idea of someone else touching him sickens me, but I hope that gets better with time because I'm missing out on stuff because of it...

Im still awake...

I walked around for a couple hours thinking about stuff and im just sick of this, feeling this way, i cant do this i really cant, im gonna try and get some sleep now, maybe that will help, i know itll all be ok, but when, and for who...... 

I keep listening to this song...on repeat

"God of wine" by third eye blind

Today

So I am gonna go get tested today and I couldn't be more freaked out. I had the worst dreams last night. I guess its just a part of me to always go directly to the worst case scenario. It just sucks because when I got tested last time, he was there, no matter what happened I knew he would be there no matter what. Now, if I do have something like HIV, I feel like Im kind of alone, and what's worse is that if I do have HIV, I probably gave it to him, and he probably has given it to the other guy. That's two lives I have ruined. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I hope I never get there...

home

I realized today that the reason i don't have a home is because he was my home...

I went for a walk....

Had a lot on my mind, so I went for a walk, for 2 hours I walked aimlessly around UCI. I cried, I got angry, I got lost, I got worried, I walked to Albertsons. On the way back home I think I saw him, who knows, I wasn't wearing  my contacts. Music has an amazing ability to either lift you up or rip you apart. Tonight was the latter. Came back to my place and talked to my roommate, it sucks having a roommate who is a psychology major, you tell him all your problems and don't even realize you are doing it. Well I think Im gonna try and go to bed, I have work at 4am, but really don't feel like sleeping..... What's sad is that if he called or stopped by, it would make my night......

why?

why can i be totally fine one second and then wham!!!! like a punch to the gut im not ok. I start crying and thinking horrible thoughts and it sucks and i get paranoid and sad and depressed and stressed out and so hurt! Im going for a drive or something, i cant stay still right now... Maybe Im just freaked about tomorrow, maybe its so many things that I cant even begin to start...

So I went out on a date..

It was ok, nothing too special. If anything I realized I shouldnt date for awhile. The more I date the more I realize that I want what i cant have and that nothing has come even close to what I had before. I hate this. Well Im off to class, catch you all later..

Things I'm grateful for...

Instead of focusing on the negative, lets focus on the positive..

* My friends- I have amazing friends that always have my back and are always there.

* My family- I didn't realize until recently how amazing my family is. They are all weird, crazy people, and I love them with all my heart.

* I have a job- a lot of people don't have one, I can support myself, barely, but I can.

* I'm in school and working towards something better- alot of people cant go to college, I'm lucky

* We're still friends- even after all the crying and the hurt and sort of yelling we're still friends and I'm really grateful for that.

  I guess I'm just really having problem letting go, because I wanted so much for him to be the one. I really thought he was, and maybe he still his, but not right now. I just can't let go of the idea of him, and all the things I never told him and all the things that are not gonna happen. All the things that someone else gets to experience with him now, when those are suppose to be my experiences and my future and my prince charming....

note to self...

Do not watch finding nemo when you are feeling sad....

I miss him..

I miss him so much! It's not like he is dead, or moved away, but maybe its worse that he is so close but at the same time he is farther away then he has ever been. Sometimes I wish he had cheated on me. It would make everything so much easier.  I could be angry at him, I could yell at him, I could have strength in my anger. But he didn't cheat on me, instead he treated me with respect and was honest with me, like he has always been honest with me. He expressed his feelings and was brutally honest, like he always has been. He has been great through all this, if i need to talk he is there. How can I be mad at someone who treated me with such respect and openness? I can't. I'm not ready to think of him with another guy, it still hurts too much to think about. He was mine.... all mine, I regret not taking advantage of that and not kissing him more and not communicating more. I cry less now, but it still comes out of nowhere. Im still having weird dreams, the latest one is Im like 80 and Im alone, Im walking down the beach and I run into dante, we see each other and we kiss, he tells me how much he has missed me and how much he loves me and how his biggest regret is dumping me all those years ago and can I ever forgive him, I forgive him, we kiss, and then i die of a heart attack of something, in his arms, I hate that Im such a vivid dreamer, well i have had a long ass day at work so Im gonna take a nap and then go somewhere and write in my journal and figure some stuff out, later everybody ;)

April 4th

So its the third night at my new place. It's going alright, my roommates seem like cool guys,  little messy, but i dont mind cleaning. It's weird being alone. I want to call, I want to text, but I know I should try being alone. I promised myself I wouldnt text,call, facebook, email, or go over there today, but I already broke that this morning by texting him, emailing him and writing on his wall. It's just weird when you are use to talking to someone everyday for so long and then you don't. I went to work today, came back to the apartment, changed clothes, and then read a little for school, and then got bored so I went back to work to hang out, which is so sad. Was there for like an hour, just chatting it up. Then I went to wholesome choice and got some bomb chinese food, and on the drive back to the apartment I realized I dont own a fork and prayed that my roommates had silverware. Thank god they steal silverware from wholesome choice ;) So now Im just chillin on my bed, chatting with my homies, exploring hulu, trying to keep busy so I dont think about someone, and this someone being with someone else. I know it's a reality, but I still feel like this is some weird nightmare and I'm gonna wake up any moment. I just need to get over him, but i dont know how... I guess just keep busy, if he wants to hang out he'll call me, but what if he doesnt call me?